Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Seriously...

Why am I always talking about guys? I'm not with anyone right now, I don't want to be with anyone...Why there's always a guy fucking with my head???? I'm upset.

I have so much stuff going on right now with my life, and none of them involve anyone but ME...

Besides I feel WAY too fat to think to be with anyone, and this time I feel really bad about it for reals... I wish I had more time to take care of myself...

I wonder what my parents would think if they read my blog? I hope they never do...

Cant sleep....

Ugh, i should be sleeping or doing my final project, but i cant do either... im way too tired to draw(and im writing this with one hand...) and my fucking thoughts are too loud so i cant sleep!!

I can't stop thinking about my career, what do I really want to do, and I can't stop thinking about Damien's diary and now an email the Mike sent me....

This is very annoying and confusing, it seems like if my life revolves around David, Damien, Kenny or Mike, but actually they are just like 3% of my day, but when im doing nothing, one of them is always on the surface.... I mean I don't feel anything significant for any of them, and I don't want to be with any of them (except David, I would like to be next to him in these hard moments he is living..) but for sure that they are mmmm... Important? I'm confused because I care about them but I also don't give a fuck anymore... I'm trying to figure out where is the point of what I care about or what it is that affects me when it comes to them so I can manage and execute....

I'm really disappointed about Damien's diary and now about Mike's email... I'm really sure I didn't need to and I didn't want to know anything that Mike said in that email... When I read both of them a million questions came up to my head but at the same time I prefer not to dig anymore, especially about Mike, I really don't understand why he sent me that... It's so in the past that to ask more questions would be like start the toxic cycle again... I don't know what to do or think....

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Today...

Yeah, that's what she said!....

*Wow this day (well more like yesterday but I haven't gone to sleep so practically still today) was WAY too much! Most cuz of my final exam than anything else, wow so much pressure and stressed all together... Ugh...

*I never though that the day that I hate where I work would come, cuz its such a lovely store... but man im totally disliking that place so much.... that adds tiny bits of more stress to my life.... It's not making me happy at all... Too bad for my nephew if i stop working there... lol... I'm already looking for new places to work...

*I talked to David today, he said he is fine but he feels weak and tired cuz of the chemotherapy, he said that is working and that this is his 6th week... That gives me some peace of mind... He is like the sweetest thing in the world... And the only person that really believes in me lol, so nice.... Awww can't wait until he gets better and gets back to normal =)

*Then my mother called to tell me she just got home from our friend's funeral who died from cancer... Freaked me out.. So sad.. She was mega sweet and smart, she was a teacher and a psychologist. She was my first tutor and psychologist, she used to run test on me just for fun, I remember playing a lot of memory games with her....

*Today Damien sent me the bits of his diary when he was here in USA where he wrote stuff about me, I must confess that I was really anxious the whole weekend waiting for it, and when I finally got to read it... It changed a lof of things, like how I used to see some stuff and a bunch of mixed feelings... I also must confess that it was really intense and graphic (he said that nobody was supposed to read that, but wow!) So now I don't know.... like looking everything as a whole, i could say that I feel disappointed now, I'm not sure yet... Cuz there are some parts missing.... But apparently I saw everything more.. Beautiful? Am I such a girl? lol... I don't know... He wrote really nice things though, but for me was more special i guess... For him was like more intense... I feel kinda down... Oh well...

*The night was not so bad... After my test I went to work to get the store keys cuz I forgot them and I open my next shift... I ended up staying and working for like 2 hours. After Kat, me and Sean we were looking for something fun to do, but it was so late and everything was closing, so we decided to go eat something. Everything was going great until they played a song from "The Script" it reminded me how bad I felt in that concert....Ugh....

*So intense today, but I should feel glad for the good things and ignore all that stuff that makes me sad and stressed... Now I can't sleep, I'll read Damien's diary notes again cuz there are tons of funny parts too, but I'll try my best to fall asleep so tomorrow can be a better day when I wake up =)

Nite nite planet!


Monday, December 12, 2011

Guys....

So guys try very hard all the time so nothing is serious and wish you treat them like a piece of meat so they dont have to deal with the sentiments and emotional baggage... So when you actually treat them like a piece of meat they get all sensitive and complain about it... Wtf?

Stressed!

I can't concentrate in studying! I hate studying! I'm running out of time.... Im very very stressed out, my career depends on this test and not even like that I can concentrate.... Valor!

Thursday, December 08, 2011

That awful moment when....

You drank too much the night before, and then when you wake up you see all the drunk messages you sent.... and then you realized you have to go to work and have no time left to apologize or anything lol.....

BUT, it was a good concert though! =D

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Prayer?

I want to be a better person every day!!! I really doooo! But there are some people that just interfere with that... Lord please help me be a better person and help learn from my mistakes, and help me accept the things I cannot change.... Forgive me for all the bad things I've done. Give me strength to continue with all my plans until the end and just bring the better people to my life that will make my days brighter. Amen. =)

Confessions....

So.... Nothing is going to be cooking anymore.... lol..... So I was talking for a few weeks with this Italian guy that I met downtown... Nothing happened at all but we just continued talking and constantly flirting almost every day... And he speaks spanish hahaha his accent is so cute, imagine an Italian guy with spanish accent from spain =P.... BUT I feel everything is wrong and is going to be wrong lol so I decided to suddenly stop talking to him (I guess that's what he is thinking...)..

Well the truth is besides all the other RED flags indicating that is a bad idea and I will regret everything later, last night he was telling me about his weekend and... I didn't like it at all, it actually grossed me out, I bet he was thinking that it was going to impress me or something of that sort, but no...

By personal experience, I think that now I'll be traumatized every time that a new guy is going to confess or tell me their deepest/darkest/ or "little secret." Last couple of times that that happened, first one I ran away lol... Second one, I decided to stay but I never knew how I really felt/ feel about it, and deep inside it kinda bothered me and it was a constant research actually... So I kinda don't want to deal with more "deep" confessions right now....

At the beginning Mr. Italy 2011 seemed like an awesome idea because he looks kinda hot, and I say "kinda" cuz must europeans have that "hotness" that sometimes is kinda gay, lol (they are all a little gay inside I think), and I also say "kinda" because he is short, taller than me though but too short for my taste and that looks funny... Anyways, the other BIG plus is that he likes a lot of my favorite bands, like Tool (yeah I know, he got me there) next day we talked about that he bought their CD with my favorite song <3! Some of the other good things is that he likes the same kind of bars/clubs as meee, he likes to dance, ITALIAN FOOD and he has an awesome career/job that is also part of the bad thing cuz he has to travel all around USA all the time... When I met him he was here for 5 days and then like 3 or 4 days later he was back in FL again! Another problem is he lives in New York, lol... You guys would laugh if you know his name, which I will reserve to myself =P (hint: starts with a D)....

And talking about confessions I have to make a confession myself... I know last thing that happened to me was Karma paying me back for sure, I'm really sure about that, Karma is no joke.... But I had to do it to make sure that what I was going to do is what I really wanted and it actually opened my eyes, cuz after that I realized that I really wanted the other thing more than anything. (yeah I know, Im doing it again, im talking in codes)... Later Karma said "I'm glad you realized thats what you want, but that was not the best way to find out, so no so fast now, you are going to suffer!!!" Indeed. Now stills bothers me... I have to confess now..... I will tell him after this post.... And he will probably think the worst things about me now, but I didnt do it with that intention, I need it to find out. I don't think nobody will ever understand....

Now I understand why a lot of people freak out when they hear the word "Confession" its cuz most of the times they are never good things...

Monday, December 05, 2011

This is the Sarai Gonzalez' blog, is not the Gonzalez Sarai's blog. This is my favorite blog, because it is my blog! =)

Friday, December 02, 2011

What do I want?

What do I want or did want from M? It bothers me so much cuz I just wanted him to care about me and demonstrated it to me, but he never said or did anything to really show me, just like Americans that they think that you should assume everything.... And flying thousand miles don't mean anything when you are just a complete selfish asshole... He never understood that...

drunk post

DRUNK RANDOM THOUGHTS:

*Im really supposed to be doing my homework....

*I havent finish my homework, why do I always leave everything for last minute?

* Will I ever be fully happy again next to someone?

*Seriously God, why my last relationships in the past 5 years have been all if not kinda long distance, full long distance?

*Sometimes I really think is better to stay alone forever... I'm tired of all the bullshit...

*"Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?" thats the song right now...

* I had like 5 beers and 2 shots... this is very intense....

*im very proud of something that is happening right now...

*My rent went up

*I hate my telephone company and my phone with passion....

* I want to finish school and be an awesome artist.... I really do...

*I can't believe David has cancer...

*I met a new Italian guy, I havent told anyone with any details yet.... The truth is I think is not a good idea... He doesnt even live here in Orlando either, even though NY is closer than Italy! lol.... I don't know how i really feel about this thing, is not really defined yet.... I think I shouldnt be worrying about it even thought sometimes feels like something cool lol... Just all flirting? I feel too fat to date anyone....

*Will i ever finish school? Im sick of it... but right now this is the best part... I wish I didnt have to work so i could have time to explore my fucking creativity .....

** Ok, Im very upset with the assholes of my life.... I should go finish my homework and go to sleep... Another insomniac night....