Recognizing shits....

Dear Blog....

So I just had a blast from the past which it  always makes learn a bunch of stuff about myself every time I have one... This time I was reading old emails, some of them are dated from 2003....

For example: This is my blog, and I can talk about myself all the time because is mine and I recognize that I might be being a little bit narcissist and selfish, but nobody reads my blog anyways except but me so it doesn't matter...

 One of my main reasons of saving old emails, writing emails to myself and having a blog is that in a couple of years I can go back and read them and see what has changed, what is better... or worse... And I just had a revelation!

It almost all my prayers and in a lot of moments during the week I always ask God and the Universe to help me become a better person everyday and I think now I just got a clue.... In some aspect of my life I'm still the same I was 5, 7, 10 years ago and one of them is that I get mad/upset/angry very fast, very easily and very often, so in this journey of "becoming a better person" (I think it has no end...) I think I need to start with my "anger issues" which I'm not really sure if its really anger...

I guess most of my life I have been trying to convince myself that my parents have nothing to do with the way I am and all my frustrations, but today while I was telling someone that I like about some of my childhood craziness it kinda hit me.... Then I started to read old emails and conversations and it was like   a bucket of cold water in my face...

I have been complaining all these years that I always find the same type of guys, that my relationships always go through the same rough patches until they die... and ready all those emails and conversations I just realized maybe it is my fault for real, they were no angels that's crystal clear but with all my exes I had the same problems, over and over again... Different guys, same problem/attitude/arguments... Omg, I was really shocked that the same way I reacted 8 years ago about something stupid I react the same way or worse to even more stupid stuff now, that's ridiculous....

Today I realized that one of my biggest fears is that I don't want to be/become like my father's family at all... or even my own mother. She is great, I admire my mother a lot but there's so many things I don't agree with her and I really don't want to be like that....

I also discovered that I really might have "daddy issues...." Maybe I like having long distance relationships because as long as I remember I never lived with my father and I really really loved him and I wanted to have him closer all the time, so I remember he used to call me or see me briefly and make me all this hugeeee and wonderful promises and I was always excited waiting for that day to come... And usually those days never came or it was not completely like I was promised and I used to get so angry and disappointed... and that keeps happening to me over and over again with guys... Wow.... The same reason I have trauma planning things in a not very near future especially if they involve someone else or "my guy..."

I always think that God and the Universe put the people that are in my life for specific reasons, to let me learn something new one way or another... If this new person in my life doesn't stick around for too long at least I didn't have to wait until the whole thing is over and I'm broken hearted to know why he came to my life, because in the past 2 months I have learned so many things about myself and other stuff that I had no idea or that I couldn't see them before and I'm really glad and thankful that is in my life right now....

If everything happens for a reason like they say, then it was meant to be that today the day went they way it went and I think it makes sense perfectly... And a funny thing about this is that he (Mr. C) will never know, even if I told him, that today it is a really important day for me because after talking to him it led me to discover a bunch of stuff, he probably wont believe or understand the importance of this self discovery that he triggered in me... And it is not easy to accept all of this, but it is part of my journey of becoming a better person, definitely....


One of the first things I need to do to become a better person is to forgive... It is really hard I must say, and even if I say it, even if I said that I forgave those people that hurt me I'm not sure if in my heart is true, I really want to, but I'm trying to figure out how to, because it is not the same to say something than feeling it in your heart, so in my brain they are forgiven now I need to transfer that to my heart... Hopefully soon because I can't wait how it feels....

Second step is controlling the anger... I need to figure out if getting mad easily is considered anger too, I like to think is not the same thing... But I'm still investigating all about it... Baby steps, I'm still shocked.

To be continued.....

Wow

Sometimes I wonder "how the hell do i do it?" I mean I can turn all of the pretty, wonderful things in pure shit in a second.... I don't remember who said to me one day that they can't live without drama cuz it keeps them alive, every day a new adventure, that their life would be boring (I think it was one of the exes..) that thats why that person made so many conflicts... Now I wonder if that was contagious... Cuz i feel everything I touch becomes shit... I feel that chaos doesnt leave my side, even if its only a product of my imagination... I wonder if this is a main sign indicating that I'm officially losing it... Or that i totally lost it... Aka bat shit insane....? I hope not though... On the other side I feel that i have so much nice things and love to offer to everybody at the same time, but i cant seem to find a balance... I'm scare to lose people, so when I feel they are getting closer, I freak out, push them away and act like a bitch or crazy, sometimes even both (like a crazy bitch! lol =p)

Anyways, still hanging on in here... waiting to see the light and when everything will get better.... I still have hopes that things are going to change.... =)

I....

Love everybody!.....AAand I wish everything was easier... But is not... SO I have to suck it.... I mean accept it.... =)

I feel lost right now...

=/ New year?

The year just started and even if I can feel that this year is going to be way better than others, right now I feel miserable and sad.... Too much stuff, too many decisions to make and I'm feeling very lost and confused...

Right now, at this exact moment I don't know what I really want to do about anything....

I hope to see some light soon, so it can guide me through the right path and correct decision...

Seriously...

Why am I always talking about guys? I'm not with anyone right now, I don't want to be with anyone...Why there's always a guy fucking with my head???? I'm upset.

I have so much stuff going on right now with my life, and none of them involve anyone but ME...

Besides I feel WAY too fat to think to be with anyone, and this time I feel really bad about it for reals... I wish I had more time to take care of myself...

I wonder what my parents would think if they read my blog? I hope they never do...

Cant sleep....

Ugh, i should be sleeping or doing my final project, but i cant do either... im way too tired to draw(and im writing this with one hand...) and my fucking thoughts are too loud so i cant sleep!!

I can't stop thinking about my career, what do I really want to do, and I can't stop thinking about Damien's diary and now an email the Mike sent me....

This is very annoying and confusing, it seems like if my life revolves around David, Damien, Kenny or Mike, but actually they are just like 3% of my day, but when im doing nothing, one of them is always on the surface.... I mean I don't feel anything significant for any of them, and I don't want to be with any of them (except David, I would like to be next to him in these hard moments he is living..) but for sure that they are mmmm... Important? I'm confused because I care about them but I also don't give a fuck anymore... I'm trying to figure out where is the point of what I care about or what it is that affects me when it comes to them so I can manage and execute....

I'm really disappointed about Damien's diary and now about Mike's email... I'm really sure I didn't need to and I didn't want to know anything that Mike said in that email... When I read both of them a million questions came up to my head but at the same time I prefer not to dig anymore, especially about Mike, I really don't understand why he sent me that... It's so in the past that to ask more questions would be like start the toxic cycle again... I don't know what to do or think....

Today...

Yeah, that's what she said!....

*Wow this day (well more like yesterday but I haven't gone to sleep so practically still today) was WAY too much! Most cuz of my final exam than anything else, wow so much pressure and stressed all together... Ugh...

*I never though that the day that I hate where I work would come, cuz its such a lovely store... but man im totally disliking that place so much.... that adds tiny bits of more stress to my life.... It's not making me happy at all... Too bad for my nephew if i stop working there... lol... I'm already looking for new places to work...

*I talked to David today, he said he is fine but he feels weak and tired cuz of the chemotherapy, he said that is working and that this is his 6th week... That gives me some peace of mind... He is like the sweetest thing in the world... And the only person that really believes in me lol, so nice.... Awww can't wait until he gets better and gets back to normal =)

*Then my mother called to tell me she just got home from our friend's funeral who died from cancer... Freaked me out.. So sad.. She was mega sweet and smart, she was a teacher and a psychologist. She was my first tutor and psychologist, she used to run test on me just for fun, I remember playing a lot of memory games with her....

*Today Damien sent me the bits of his diary when he was here in USA where he wrote stuff about me, I must confess that I was really anxious the whole weekend waiting for it, and when I finally got to read it... It changed a lof of things, like how I used to see some stuff and a bunch of mixed feelings... I also must confess that it was really intense and graphic (he said that nobody was supposed to read that, but wow!) So now I don't know.... like looking everything as a whole, i could say that I feel disappointed now, I'm not sure yet... Cuz there are some parts missing.... But apparently I saw everything more.. Beautiful? Am I such a girl? lol... I don't know... He wrote really nice things though, but for me was more special i guess... For him was like more intense... I feel kinda down... Oh well...

*The night was not so bad... After my test I went to work to get the store keys cuz I forgot them and I open my next shift... I ended up staying and working for like 2 hours. After Kat, me and Sean we were looking for something fun to do, but it was so late and everything was closing, so we decided to go eat something. Everything was going great until they played a song from "The Script" it reminded me how bad I felt in that concert....Ugh....

*So intense today, but I should feel glad for the good things and ignore all that stuff that makes me sad and stressed... Now I can't sleep, I'll read Damien's diary notes again cuz there are tons of funny parts too, but I'll try my best to fall asleep so tomorrow can be a better day when I wake up =)

Nite nite planet!