Dear Blog....
So I just had a blast from the past which it always makes learn a bunch of stuff about myself every time I have one... This time I was reading old emails, some of them are dated from 2003....
For example: This is my blog, and I can talk about myself all the time because is mine and I recognize that I might be being a little bit narcissist and selfish, but nobody reads my blog anyways except but me so it doesn't matter...
One of my main reasons of saving old emails, writing emails to myself and having a blog is that in a couple of years I can go back and read them and see what has changed, what is better... or worse... And I just had a revelation!
It almost all my prayers and in a lot of moments during the week I always ask God and the Universe to help me become a better person everyday and I think now I just got a clue.... In some aspect of my life I'm still the same I was 5, 7, 10 years ago and one of them is that I get mad/upset/angry very fast, very easily and very often, so in this journey of "becoming a better person" (I think it has no end...) I think I need to start with my "anger issues" which I'm not really sure if its really anger...
I guess most of my life I have been trying to convince myself that my parents have nothing to do with the way I am and all my frustrations, but today while I was telling someone that I like about some of my childhood craziness it kinda hit me.... Then I started to read old emails and conversations and it was like a bucket of cold water in my face...
I have been complaining all these years that I always find the same type of guys, that my relationships always go through the same rough patches until they die... and ready all those emails and conversations I just realized maybe it is my fault for real, they were no angels that's crystal clear but with all my exes I had the same problems, over and over again... Different guys, same problem/attitude/arguments... Omg, I was really shocked that the same way I reacted 8 years ago about something stupid I react the same way or worse to even more stupid stuff now, that's ridiculous....
Today I realized that one of my biggest fears is that I don't want to be/become like my father's family at all... or even my own mother. She is great, I admire my mother a lot but there's so many things I don't agree with her and I really don't want to be like that....
I also discovered that I really might have "daddy issues...." Maybe I like having long distance relationships because as long as I remember I never lived with my father and I really really loved him and I wanted to have him closer all the time, so I remember he used to call me or see me briefly and make me all this hugeeee and wonderful promises and I was always excited waiting for that day to come... And usually those days never came or it was not completely like I was promised and I used to get so angry and disappointed... and that keeps happening to me over and over again with guys... Wow.... The same reason I have trauma planning things in a not very near future especially if they involve someone else or "my guy..."
I always think that God and the Universe put the people that are in my life for specific reasons, to let me learn something new one way or another... If this new person in my life doesn't stick around for too long at least I didn't have to wait until the whole thing is over and I'm broken hearted to know why he came to my life, because in the past 2 months I have learned so many things about myself and other stuff that I had no idea or that I couldn't see them before and I'm really glad and thankful that is in my life right now....
If everything happens for a reason like they say, then it was meant to be that today the day went they way it went and I think it makes sense perfectly... And a funny thing about this is that he (Mr. C) will never know, even if I told him, that today it is a really important day for me because after talking to him it led me to discover a bunch of stuff, he probably wont believe or understand the importance of this self discovery that he triggered in me... And it is not easy to accept all of this, but it is part of my journey of becoming a better person, definitely....
One of the first things I need to do to become a better person is to forgive... It is really hard I must say, and even if I say it, even if I said that I forgave those people that hurt me I'm not sure if in my heart is true, I really want to, but I'm trying to figure out how to, because it is not the same to say something than feeling it in your heart, so in my brain they are forgiven now I need to transfer that to my heart... Hopefully soon because I can't wait how it feels....
Second step is controlling the anger... I need to figure out if getting mad easily is considered anger too, I like to think is not the same thing... But I'm still investigating all about it... Baby steps, I'm still shocked.
To be continued.....
