Seriously...

Why am I always talking about guys? I'm not with anyone right now, I don't want to be with anyone...Why there's always a guy fucking with my head???? I'm upset.

I have so much stuff going on right now with my life, and none of them involve anyone but ME...

Besides I feel WAY too fat to think to be with anyone, and this time I feel really bad about it for reals... I wish I had more time to take care of myself...

I wonder what my parents would think if they read my blog? I hope they never do...

Cant sleep....

Ugh, i should be sleeping or doing my final project, but i cant do either... im way too tired to draw(and im writing this with one hand...) and my fucking thoughts are too loud so i cant sleep!!

I can't stop thinking about my career, what do I really want to do, and I can't stop thinking about Damien's diary and now an email the Mike sent me....

This is very annoying and confusing, it seems like if my life revolves around David, Damien, Kenny or Mike, but actually they are just like 3% of my day, but when im doing nothing, one of them is always on the surface.... I mean I don't feel anything significant for any of them, and I don't want to be with any of them (except David, I would like to be next to him in these hard moments he is living..) but for sure that they are mmmm... Important? I'm confused because I care about them but I also don't give a fuck anymore... I'm trying to figure out where is the point of what I care about or what it is that affects me when it comes to them so I can manage and execute....

I'm really disappointed about Damien's diary and now about Mike's email... I'm really sure I didn't need to and I didn't want to know anything that Mike said in that email... When I read both of them a million questions came up to my head but at the same time I prefer not to dig anymore, especially about Mike, I really don't understand why he sent me that... It's so in the past that to ask more questions would be like start the toxic cycle again... I don't know what to do or think....

Today...

Yeah, that's what she said!....

*Wow this day (well more like yesterday but I haven't gone to sleep so practically still today) was WAY too much! Most cuz of my final exam than anything else, wow so much pressure and stressed all together... Ugh...

*I never though that the day that I hate where I work would come, cuz its such a lovely store... but man im totally disliking that place so much.... that adds tiny bits of more stress to my life.... It's not making me happy at all... Too bad for my nephew if i stop working there... lol... I'm already looking for new places to work...

*I talked to David today, he said he is fine but he feels weak and tired cuz of the chemotherapy, he said that is working and that this is his 6th week... That gives me some peace of mind... He is like the sweetest thing in the world... And the only person that really believes in me lol, so nice.... Awww can't wait until he gets better and gets back to normal =)

*Then my mother called to tell me she just got home from our friend's funeral who died from cancer... Freaked me out.. So sad.. She was mega sweet and smart, she was a teacher and a psychologist. She was my first tutor and psychologist, she used to run test on me just for fun, I remember playing a lot of memory games with her....

*Today Damien sent me the bits of his diary when he was here in USA where he wrote stuff about me, I must confess that I was really anxious the whole weekend waiting for it, and when I finally got to read it... It changed a lof of things, like how I used to see some stuff and a bunch of mixed feelings... I also must confess that it was really intense and graphic (he said that nobody was supposed to read that, but wow!) So now I don't know.... like looking everything as a whole, i could say that I feel disappointed now, I'm not sure yet... Cuz there are some parts missing.... But apparently I saw everything more.. Beautiful? Am I such a girl? lol... I don't know... He wrote really nice things though, but for me was more special i guess... For him was like more intense... I feel kinda down... Oh well...

*The night was not so bad... After my test I went to work to get the store keys cuz I forgot them and I open my next shift... I ended up staying and working for like 2 hours. After Kat, me and Sean we were looking for something fun to do, but it was so late and everything was closing, so we decided to go eat something. Everything was going great until they played a song from "The Script" it reminded me how bad I felt in that concert....Ugh....

*So intense today, but I should feel glad for the good things and ignore all that stuff that makes me sad and stressed... Now I can't sleep, I'll read Damien's diary notes again cuz there are tons of funny parts too, but I'll try my best to fall asleep so tomorrow can be a better day when I wake up =)

Nite nite planet!

Guys....

So guys try very hard all the time so nothing is serious and wish you treat them like a piece of meat so they dont have to deal with the sentiments and emotional baggage... So when you actually treat them like a piece of meat they get all sensitive and complain about it... Wtf?

Stressed!

I can't concentrate in studying! I hate studying! I'm running out of time.... Im very very stressed out, my career depends on this test and not even like that I can concentrate.... Valor!

That awful moment when....

You drank too much the night before, and then when you wake up you see all the drunk messages you sent.... and then you realized you have to go to work and have no time left to apologize or anything lol.....

BUT, it was a good concert though! =D

Prayer?

I want to be a better person every day!!! I really doooo! But there are some people that just interfere with that... Lord please help me be a better person and help learn from my mistakes, and help me accept the things I cannot change.... Forgive me for all the bad things I've done. Give me strength to continue with all my plans until the end and just bring the better people to my life that will make my days brighter. Amen. =)

Confessions....

So.... Nothing is going to be cooking anymore.... lol..... So I was talking for a few weeks with this Italian guy that I met downtown... Nothing happened at all but we just continued talking and constantly flirting almost every day... And he speaks spanish hahaha his accent is so cute, imagine an Italian guy with spanish accent from spain =P.... BUT I feel everything is wrong and is going to be wrong lol so I decided to suddenly stop talking to him (I guess that's what he is thinking...)..

Well the truth is besides all the other RED flags indicating that is a bad idea and I will regret everything later, last night he was telling me about his weekend and... I didn't like it at all, it actually grossed me out, I bet he was thinking that it was going to impress me or something of that sort, but no...

By personal experience, I think that now I'll be traumatized every time that a new guy is going to confess or tell me their deepest/darkest/ or "little secret." Last couple of times that that happened, first one I ran away lol... Second one, I decided to stay but I never knew how I really felt/ feel about it, and deep inside it kinda bothered me and it was a constant research actually... So I kinda don't want to deal with more "deep" confessions right now....

At the beginning Mr. Italy 2011 seemed like an awesome idea because he looks kinda hot, and I say "kinda" cuz must europeans have that "hotness" that sometimes is kinda gay, lol (they are all a little gay inside I think), and I also say "kinda" because he is short, taller than me though but too short for my taste and that looks funny... Anyways, the other BIG plus is that he likes a lot of my favorite bands, like Tool (yeah I know, he got me there) next day we talked about that he bought their CD with my favorite song <3! Some of the other good things is that he likes the same kind of bars/clubs as meee, he likes to dance, ITALIAN FOOD and he has an awesome career/job that is also part of the bad thing cuz he has to travel all around USA all the time... When I met him he was here for 5 days and then like 3 or 4 days later he was back in FL again! Another problem is he lives in New York, lol... You guys would laugh if you know his name, which I will reserve to myself =P (hint: starts with a D)....

And talking about confessions I have to make a confession myself... I know last thing that happened to me was Karma paying me back for sure, I'm really sure about that, Karma is no joke.... But I had to do it to make sure that what I was going to do is what I really wanted and it actually opened my eyes, cuz after that I realized that I really wanted the other thing more than anything. (yeah I know, Im doing it again, im talking in codes)... Later Karma said "I'm glad you realized thats what you want, but that was not the best way to find out, so no so fast now, you are going to suffer!!!" Indeed. Now stills bothers me... I have to confess now..... I will tell him after this post.... And he will probably think the worst things about me now, but I didnt do it with that intention, I need it to find out. I don't think nobody will ever understand....

Now I understand why a lot of people freak out when they hear the word "Confession" its cuz most of the times they are never good things...

This is the Sarai Gonzalez' blog, is not the Gonzalez Sarai's blog. This is my favorite blog, because it is my blog! =)

What do I want?

What do I want or did want from M? It bothers me so much cuz I just wanted him to care about me and demonstrated it to me, but he never said or did anything to really show me, just like Americans that they think that you should assume everything.... And flying thousand miles don't mean anything when you are just a complete selfish asshole... He never understood that...

drunk post

DRUNK RANDOM THOUGHTS:

*Im really supposed to be doing my homework....

*I havent finish my homework, why do I always leave everything for last minute?

* Will I ever be fully happy again next to someone?

*Seriously God, why my last relationships in the past 5 years have been all if not kinda long distance, full long distance?

*Sometimes I really think is better to stay alone forever... I'm tired of all the bullshit...

*"Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?" thats the song right now...

* I had like 5 beers and 2 shots... this is very intense....

*im very proud of something that is happening right now...

*My rent went up

*I hate my telephone company and my phone with passion....

* I want to finish school and be an awesome artist.... I really do...

*I can't believe David has cancer...

*I met a new Italian guy, I havent told anyone with any details yet.... The truth is I think is not a good idea... He doesnt even live here in Orlando either, even though NY is closer than Italy! lol.... I don't know how i really feel about this thing, is not really defined yet.... I think I shouldnt be worrying about it even thought sometimes feels like something cool lol... Just all flirting? I feel too fat to date anyone....

*Will i ever finish school? Im sick of it... but right now this is the best part... I wish I didnt have to work so i could have time to explore my fucking creativity .....

** Ok, Im very upset with the assholes of my life.... I should go finish my homework and go to sleep... Another insomniac night....

Something is cooking again....

Wait for your next episode....

is it possible? Nostalgia...

"Bring back the Good Ol' days! Nothing feels right, nothing ever goes my way..."

Ahhhh I wish God would send me a sign that says "It is possible my dear, just be patient..."

I feel so nostalgic about last year sometimes, and I just want to live some of it again.... So pure...

uuhhh baby's got a secret...

Ok previous blog I said that I didnt want to say why I feel so happy inside, but the truth is... That is a combination of a few things... First David took me out of the hole... But then, the cherry on the top was... Chan chan chan!! And the Winner isssssssss: Yes! I don't want to say it! Hahaha cuz I feel shy! But yeah is someone from the past...(last year?)...

Ok so now is my turn to talk about this guy... First of all, this person is... the person that made me happy the most in my whole life.... I wonder If I ever will live that again? and his words still there in my mind every time I meet someone, he said "Now you know what is possible, so never settle for less, (you've set up a bench mark?) and I wont settle for less either..." and thats what i've been trying to do... but is hard... and I almost settled for less lol... I don't think is possible to meet and live something like that again. I was happy, satisfied and full inside in every sense of the word to the fullest/most or whatever, but the days and the thing were beautiful and awesome (most of them)....

Anyways... What I was going to say WAS, that this person is so fucking positive, omg every time i talk to him he makes my hyper and I want to do everything and all at the same time, I visualize the future instantly (my future) and everything looks perfect and successful. Dude I swear this is every time I talk to him, he is sooo contagious, I wonder if its just the image I have from him? Well, he also helped finish my depression fo sho and he gave me something that is making changes on meeee (for the best)... He makes me hunger for success and makes me see that it could be possible... I hope...

On the other side of the coin I just discovered that this other other person is like the other dude from the past, takes my energy away and soon stops making me shine... so I really feel the contrast and the weight... These makes me brighter and shine to the fullest, and these other ones bring me down, and I still try to fool myself... Ay ay ayyy Sarai, "When you gonna learn (chiquita)?" hahaha and those guys remind me of another song that says "Cuz I've got you to leeeeeet me dowwwn" (from the strokes)...

Today I reaffirmed that, he brings me down like the other one... I don't understand why I was trying to force it so much these past months with that other other person... Seriously... It was wrong in so many ways, and I'm pretty convinced that he didn't like me that much, and that he is and will be... Very selfish... Even though that "thing" was good sometimes... Maybe the only good thing about the mix but wrong at the same time... Now that I think about it... Everything started so weird... Everything was so weird... and still being weird... Why? Stills bothers a little bit though, I wont lie, something is left and I dont like the feeling...

So this is my other new entry!

On the other sideeeee (lol, there's always a song with most of my frases! Why?? hahah some people hate that =P) apart from being and felling F.A.T... I feel like happy for no apparent reason... Well, I'm lying I know the exact reason I just don't want to confess to anyone bcuz I pretty much know what everyone is going to say....

So... A few weeks ago I was like really depressed, I didn't feel so depressed like that since 2006.... But I truly believe that God send the correct people in the right moments....

Long story short, I was feeling sad, fat and ugly... Unloved and disappointed but God sent me David again to open my eyes and pick me up cuz I was really down... And he did it in the sweetest way possible! and then I remembered why he is so important and significant to me...

He opened my eyes again...It is so horrible what it is happening to him now but he stills there fighting, and he said that he is not giving up... He stills the sweetest person (except one thing lol) stubborn and smart... Always giving me the smile... I know I told him several times that he is so special to me but i think he still doesn't know.... Both crying like babies we comforted each other remembering the past, what we felt and feel for each other and he also reminded me why I'm so special and beautiful to him, and how he even from the distance knows and notices every little detail, I havent seen anything like it yet... I'm very thankful for that... And I should be very grateful for my life and my health.... Me and him will always be connected, not only because we both have the same tattoo, but because I know we were really big and real for each other, more real than the real thing, lol...

If there's someone reading this is probably disgust by now, lol but this is my blog and I write what I want, suck it! =P we will love many other people in our life, but we will always be in each other's heart forever.... Even though we are not talking again (hahaha yes, I got upset) I know he knows what the deal is...

the sweetest thing!

For anyone that wants to see them here...

the stars are a copy from each other, same size, but different artist of course... mine added "his touch" with the dots cuz he thought it was gonna look better... asshole...

So this is my new entry

I think everybody knows.... But I feel so fat! lol and I just discovered that I gained more weight! (shame on me) But I have a new plan for that.... I don't know what was going on a month ago that I gained so much weight and I still have it even though I'm cooking more... I can't wear my favorite jeans and my dear shirt!.. And I just discovered that because i went to American Eagle the other day and the dress that I loved (and very expensive) was so fucking gorgeous, then I decided to try on and I was able to get in a size 6! can you believe it!!! SIZE 6!!!??? I was wooowwoww! Most of my dresses from there are 0 or XS, or maximum 2.... but 6!?? I refuse to wear a 6...

Everyday is a new day....

Everyday is a new day I always say (like the P.O.D song...) and I think they are totally right. Everyday is a new day like if it was another day of the week. Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Everyday (the new day)... Got it?

I usually never know what day it is except when I check my work schedule but after, i really forget. For me every day is Everyday (and talking about that I don't have any everyday shoes that I wear every day? Why would a person wear the same shoes every day? Unless Everyday existed and I'd wear the same shoes on Everyday, haha...)

The difference between my days is what I do, who I meet and what happens every day. I barely feel that some days are another day because for me every day is always the same but not.

Maybe if I worked from Monday through Friday I'd notice the difference more because then I'd wait for every Friday to have a real weekend.

Today was Sunday and I really didn't know it was until I talked to Amanda (at 2am) and she told me she was hanging out (Amanda doesn't work on Sundays) so I assumed it was Sunday. It didn't feel like a Sunday to me or like any other day (what does a Sunday feels like?)

If every day was really the same, does that mean that I could make the same mistakes on Wednesdays and maybe fix it next one? Like in the groundhog day movie? That would be awesome. I would love to make some mistakes all over again every day!

I wonder if I'm lost in space? I wish every day was special and that Everyday was a real day, maybe I'd had more time.....

What to do, what to do....?

I see all the new blogs and they all look so cool and so bright lol, but I'm scared of starting to deal with that, hehehe I think I'll leave mine "vintage" and old school... Or is it too dark and too pink? Change template or not? That's the dilemma...

So, long story short...

I started writing my previous post "November craziness" it was so long cuz so many things happened that month that ay ay ay... So I never finished it or wrote the main idea... I started writing it because that month I "met" like 4 new people. In my mind that was the first time that I have seen them but all of them told me "Oh I see you almost everyday, and you always do this and blah blah blah" "I met you already in the first school meeting..." and I was sooo shock cuz I really didn't have them or their faces anywhere in my head, seriously for me it was the first time I've seen them in my life... And that has happened to me before that some people know a lot of stuff about me and I don't even know they exist, until one day they talk to me and tell me...

I know that I'm in the moon a lot, in my own little world, and I miss a lot of stuff going on around me, but I didn't mind cuz "eyes that don't see, heart that doesn't feel..." but this time I felt so bad because this people are awesome! In my mind I was "Wooooooow! This person is so cool, how could I've missed that?" I could have been sharing and having fun with this person a long time ago... I always hear "Oh I didn't talk to you before because you seem uptight... But obviously you are not" and I'm like "Duhhh" I still have to discover why I seem like and uptight person from the outside... Hello! I'm like the coolest thing in the world! ;-P